Tuesday, May 4, 2010

The Whole Fruit and Nothing but the Fruit

'There is a reward inside the stegosaurus egg with the serrated hat,' an imaginative Guarani native told his friend. 'I share this information with you because I think my discovery will improve our lives.'

The friend dismissed him as a foolish dreamer, warned him to get back to work on his Hieroglyphics 101 term paper and ate a tomato -- the fruit that dresses like Britney Spears in the 'Oops! . . . I Did It Again' video so lazy people recognize it's a big, juicy ovary.

Fortunately, the treasure-finder had gumption. He resisted naysayers and worked hard to spread his discovery throughout the community.

Weeks later, when pineapples were to the tribe what Macintoshes were to 1980s techies, the tomato-lover of little faith lay awake until dawn reflecting on his lack of foresight and wondering what life would be like as a goofy Steve Wozniak slinging pineapples with his farsighted Steve Jobs-buddy. He felt left out. He felt like an idiot. Worse, he felt like Pete Best.

Meanwhile, the 'foolish dreamer' lay awake counting his seashell currency below the chief's daughter's pulsing, pineapple-splattered body. The tribe regarded him as their boy genius.

* * *

The pineapple proves that god is a spider or a coyote or one of the other mischievous Tricksters that West Africans and Plains Indians used to tell their kids about. The pineapple was the greatest food gag humans have yet encountered -- you will not believe what's inside -- until conquistadores, butcher knives and Dole ruined the fun.

Regardless of the corruption that has befallen it, the pineapple remains the most difficult fruit to eat whole. In fact, I consider the pineapple to be the Fruit's heavy, rugged and spiky answer to Animal's rhinoceros. During the next few months, my brother and I intend to eat every available fruit in its entirety -- core, stem, pit, etc. -- to test our hypothesis that the pineapple is the world's greatest organic treasure chest. We will document our test results and rank fruit-toughness here.

1 comment:

Jennifer said...

I'm looking forward to coconut results.